I’m a housewife so Im not sure I’m even eligible to be complaining about having to juggle my commitments, it’s not as if I have a deadline or a quota to meet. But today (or rather tonight) I have experienced that motherhood juggle guilt.
I am a governor at both the schools my children go to. Tonight I was at pencoed comprehensive full governing body meeting. I came home at 7.30pm to find my son hadn’t been fed yet (because he’d come home from his friends house in the middle of my mum putting the little kids to bed) and Doug had left (to go away for work for a couple of nights) disappointed because I he’d forgotten I had a meeting tonight and he had assumed we’d be eating dinner together before he’d left.
I also have realised I have a governors meeting at the primary school tomorrow evening. I knew my mum was working so I rang my dad but he is away tomorrow so I won’t be able to go tomorrow. (And I missed the last meeting as well so I feel doubly guilty).
GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT
Wikipedia (an obviously infallible reference material) defines Guilt as
“Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes or realizes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard and bears significant responsibility for that violation. It is closely related to the concept of remorse.”
I had to read that definition twice. It so accurately sums up how I feel! I’d never really thought of what “feeling guilty” meant. I have just said “I feel guilty”.
I googled some images for “guilt” and this was the first one.
So I googled “shame” and the majority of the images look like this:
This made me think that “guilt” is a feeling that we think is imposed from outside whereas “shame” is self inflicted.
And I thought, I don’t want to say “I feel shame” because I don’t. It doesn’t accurately apply to how I feel at all.
And you know what? I think that actually that helps. I think that actually makes me feel better.
Maybe, I think others think I’m not good enough but I KNOW I’m doing the best I can.
And who cares what anyone else thinks anyway? (Ok maybe I care what my family think of me. Should I? That’s a thought for another day!)
I’ll go with that, because I already feel better. I’m trying. I’m doing the best I can. If I fail sometimes, well I’ll just have to live with that because I don’t feel “shame” about it.
(“Ashamed” maybe, but that’s enough psych-analysis for one night and now the kids are asleep I can go and sort out something for me to eat and Walking Dead is on in ten minutes, and there’s jewellery to be made…..!)
Until the next time I have more to say …..