I’m feeling lost. 😦

Torin is now going to playgroup two mornings a week. Which means its only a hop, skip and a jump until full time school (18 months and counting). 😦

Doug is adamant that’s it. No more babies. Six is my number (admittedly larger than average ‘numbers’) 😦

So what on earth shall I do now?

I am, always have been and always will be a “reluctant housewife”. No one in my house will deny that I am not a “natural” homemaker. Mother: yes, every second of every day. But home maker, no.

So staying at home, “making house” is not for me.

So what’s next?

In desperation, a few weeks ago I had my runes read. I’m not a “believer” in such things, but what could it hurt? My runes said I should do something to do with speaking and words. Now I don’t know anything about runes but Alex the runecaster told me that one of the runes I had chosen was related to a God who had carved the symbol on his sons tongue to encourage him to talk and Alex interpreted this as meaning that the runes were telling me to do something with words or speaking.

Ive tried to do a bit of research on this myself by googling “viking god carved symbol into tongue” and I came upon a page which told me:

“Bragi is the God of poets and the patron of all skaldi (poets) in Norse culture. He is renowned for wisdom, and most of all for fluency of speech and skill with words. He is said to bring inspiration to poets and writers. The Norse word for poetry is bragr. It is said that runes were carved on the tongue of Bragi.”

So lets assume that is who he meant. Id like to think that is relevant to me: “wisdom, fluency of speech and skill with words”. Id like to think one of my major skills is talking to people. Id like to think that would be something significant in anything I do in the future.

Even if you don’t believe in such things, “talking to people” could be interpreted as meaning or applied to anything.

Next week I am going for my first interview to be a magistrate. When I applied, I said to my mum I expected to get to the first interview stage. I’m not convinced Ill get past that but I would absolutely love to! The day I spent at the magistrates court in Bridgend watching what was going on was and is one of the best days of my life so far. To be doing that; to be in that world; to be living that: well it would be absolutely amazing. Everyone keep their fingers and toes crossed for me!!

But that would be 13 days a year.  That would be voluntary.

I’m 40 (my finger slipped while typing that and I wrote 450, lol!) years old. My mum is 67 (I think? Hope I haven’t aged her! Definitely past 60!!)  and still working full time. My grandmother is frail but still alive at 93 (I think! 90+ anyway! Were not big on numbers and birthdays in our family). So my genes are good. Provided I give up drinking in the near future I hope to live another 20, 30, (could I push for 40?) years? I cant get by on luck and Doug for that long (if he manages another 20 years in work it’ll be a miracle!), I have to earn some money. Enough to pay the bills at least?

So what can I do? Ive got an 18 months “pass” with the baby home at least some of the time. But it would be good to use that time wisely. But how? Another degree? I already have one plus a post graduate diploma and now they are thousands of £s a year and we have to think of our one teenager in University in two years and one in four years. Its time to start looking at returns on investment.

Tonight I looked at a PGCE (an education degree). It looked very complicated on what sort of course I would do. The second sentence also included “places are limited”. And I’m not sure a 40+ year old with no prior experience who just thinks of it as an option that might open some doors, is entirely the person they’d put top of the list. Also you need a degree in what you’d teach and I definitely don’t want to teach computers. If I was going to teach, and yes, its something that would interest me, I think Id want to teach teenagers, young adults or adults about thinking skills and critical evaluation. DEFINITELY NOT computers. So I think Id have to finish my Open University degree in Social Sciences first which would be more money and more time and may not even come to anything.

One of the things the runecaster suggested was selling my jewellery. He said the runes said I did something with my hands and I interpreted that as my jewellery making. So lets consider that avenue for a moment.

I’m absolutely dreadful at sales. I love making the jewellery but once its made I lose complete interest. I’m supposed to hard sell you into buying the earrings to match or by telling you how much the colour compliments your eyes. I’m sorry, I just cant do it. I’m amazed if you like my jewellery, I couldn’t hard sell it to you if my life depended on it.

So maybe the answer is finding a niche. Making jewellery that is so unique you’d search me out for it and pay a premium accordingly. Essentially making art. I know nothing about art. I need an art and design course. Should I spend the next four years doing an art degree so I can tell you my jewellery is inspired by nature and movement? I’m not convinced.

I’m running out of ideas.

I applied for a job this week. For an executive administrator for the marketing function of a third sector organization. I am very excited about it. I do think it would be perfect for me. Every time I think about it I think how wonderful it would be to go to work, to make a difference, and not just to me but to service users, to learn new skills, to meet people, to be part of something. How amazing! Apart from the fact it means starting work sooner rather than in 18 months …

Presuming I don’t get offered this job, should I continue to look for a job now? Or reflect on my feelings about not being entirely ready. But I want to be ready. So what shall I do for the next 18 months to be ready?

Oh its such a dilemma.

Answers on a postcard to the usual address ……